MrsRecon has decided after 23 years that she does not want to be MrsRecon anymore.
She cites poor communication and lack of being a partnership.
What the berkeley do I do now?
MrsRecon has decided after 23 years that she does not want to be MrsRecon anymore.
She cites poor communication and lack of being a partnership.
What the berkeley do I do now?
I am very sorry to hear this.
Have you tried therapy? Are you willing to try therapy?
In reply to Russian Warship, Go Berkeley Yourself :
We have been on a waitlist for three months.
What the berkeley do I do now?
You ask this question everyday but every day you work on answers not just asking the question. Don't expect that every day you'll have the answers but the key is to work on the answers
I'm the last one to give relationship advice but my first question would be what do you want? Second question is what are you willing to do/change to get that?
In reply to Recon1342 :
Don't give up. Fight the good fight to get things good again.
In reply to Stampie :
I'm not sure I'm ready to answer that question yet...
first, take a deep breath...
i can't offer advice, but I can offer empathy. Not so much for your specific situation but we are here to listen and if you happen to live in/around the chicago area and want a perfect stranger to go have a beer with and talk about cars just shoot me a note. i can't help but I can help you not think about it for a while.
In reply to Recon1342 :
It's a tall ask but, if you're able to compartmentalize how you're feeling at the moment and begin taking proactive, objective steps toward preserving as much of your current life as you can, it will help immensely. The very first thing you should do is speak to and retain an attorney. Judging from your original post, I assume she already has one foot out the door. It's safe to assume she already has an attorney and a plan.There is no way to sugar-coat it, getting divorced after being married that long is going to nuke your finances. A good, aggressive attorney should be able to mitigate the damage. Hopefully if you have kids they're already grown and out of the house. If she gets the house and it's not paid off, make sure she is mandated by the court to refinance it and get your name off the mortgage. (I made that mistake) Before signing anything have it dissected by your attorney. Assuming you head to divorce court, these next few weeks will set the tone of your life for the next several years so, act accordingly.
My wife and I separated in February of '23 and our divorce was finalized the following December. I agreed to give her the house we had bought in '16 and the camper I paid for in lieu of alimony. Initially, when she had primary custody, I was shelling out $1,200 per month for child support. Thankfully, the divorce decree had clear concise language that made it clear the kids could choose where they wanted to live (they were 16 and 17 at the time) and they chose to live with me in April of '24. That meant I was no longer paying any child support and I didn't ask for any either. I lost my meager retirement, burned through my pitiful savings by throwing money at an attorney who just a month or so ago was able to get my name removed from the mortgage that has been in arrears since I moved out (August '23) and foreclosure for the past month or so. My credit is absolutely ruined. On the bright side, my kids and I are extremely close and, even though funds are tight, we are happy.
Above all else, continue to reach out to your GRM family. It sucks that you're going through this but, I'm glad you had the balls to share your situation and ask for advice. You will make it through this.
Christ, that's terrible. It sounds like you weren't blindsided by this. Is it just the poor communication or have you grown apart?
I don't have any advice to give, just a hope that the night turns to tomorrow and that you're able to make it one breath at a time.
In reply to brandonsmash :
We've struggled off and on for years, and our first decade of marriage consisted of me being an active duty Marine, deploying to Iraq three times, and training for deployments when I wasn't overseas.
I think she is just tired of fighting for us.
I'm not sure I blame her.
I'm not the boy she dated in HS, and Iraq carries a lot of blame for that.
I feel like I am fighting for us as well, but it seems we are simply in different places emotionally.
Indy - Guy said:In reply to Recon1342 :
Don't give up. Fight the good fight to get things good again.
Hey, Indy. Thanks for the words of support.
I don't know if she is willing to fight, and if she isn't , I'm not sure what I can do...
Shoot, man, being military that's such a hard numbers thing. So many guys get divorced for many of those same reasons.
I understand if you're coming here to share, I've done that here before, too.
If you're looking for next steps, I think there's great stuff up above already. This reply is pretty much exclusively for the idea of making it work by way of counseling if that's what you want to do.
1. berkeley a 3 month wait list. Call around. They say most couples should have started therapy years before they did, so there's no time to waste. Someone will have an opening sooner than that.
2. The modality you're looking for for couples is Emotionally Focused Therapy, look up stuff by Sue Johnson. Here's a search in Idaho of EFT trained therapists
3. Don't be afraid of telehealth. It pains me to say it because I think it's BS that so many counselors are taking the easy route of telehealth, but it's supposedly as effective as in-person. (But still do in-person if you can)
4. It sucks to say, but you may not click with the first counselor you try. If they're not getting one or both of you to cry pretty quickly, they may not be the one for you but you probably should give them 3 tries. You're gonna want to do it at least once a week for the first month - at the least.
If they are doing most of the talking after the first intro session, they are not doing a very good job of it. Psychoeducation has its place but it should be few and far between.
5. Sue Johnson has some books to get you started like "Hold Me Tight" which has a workbook too, IIRC, also "How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen" is our standard book gift to new couples and would help you, too
6. Supposedly there's still hope as long as her heart hasn't turned to someone else (I haven't looked up the research on this one, so grain of salt and all that) which tells me you may want to ask her to hold off on dating (for whatever reason you give) to buy yourself some time to bring her around.
Most couples are Woman = critical pursuer, Man = withdrawing. Presumably this is you. You're gonna have to force yourself to be willing to open up somehow. I get so frozen up when my wife starts critically coming after me that sometimes I have to like eek out a few words like "I hear what you are saying, I am having a hard time responding, but I do want to respond to you when I am able to think of something to say, I'm feeling frozen right now"
Depending on how bad you've been about shutting down and not pursuing her (im running with that assumption here, ignore if way wrong) letting her know you're doing the legwork to get a counselor ASAP may be her first real clue that you give a E36 M3. It kay be too little too late for now to hit her in the feels, or it may be just what the doctor ordered. Either way, I'd take the bull by the horns here and let her know that she's worth pursuing and you are willing to do whatever it takes.
In reply to Recon1342 :
There's a reason people say "sleep on it." How are you feeling this morning?
Having been very close to that point, I am sorry you are going through this.
Have you been served papers? If so, you need an attorney to look after your interests.
After 6 months of separation, my wife and I were able to work things out and stay together. We will hit 40 years next April.
I will say, don't give up hope, but don't let your hope blind you to the realities of the situation.
I have not good advice but I am sorry.
Try to take it one step, decision, minute, hour, or day at a time. Things will get better. You don't know how or when but trust that it will.
I'm far from giving good advice, but this is a two way street. She cites communication but most times its never expressed from the party claiming lack of communication. Men are not mind readers, in general. As to lack of a partnership, what was to be expected from each party? I'm sure those changed, but back to the original lack of communication, was it really voiced or just passively aggressive asserted or not even said? I could say more but I won't and just offer like everyone else, that sucks and sorry it had to happen to you.
In reply to Stampie :
I feel like dogE36 M3.
I didn't sleep worth a crap. Haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.
I really, really want to be angry, but the only one to be pissed off at is me. She's been growing emotionally distant, and instead of fighting to find out how to help, I gave her space.
Apparently, the thing that works for me doesn't work for other people.
I feel like such a berkeleying idiot right now.
I appreciate the check up, though.
Toyman! said:Having been very close to that point, I am sorry you are going through this.
Have you been served papers? If so, you need an attorney to look after your interests.
After 6 months of separation, my wife and I were able to work things out and stay together. We will hit 40 years next April.
I will say, don't give up hope, but don't let your hope blind you to the realities of the situation.
I don't know how much hope I can muster right now.
I've got my hands full trying not to spiral and my emotions are overwhelming me.
Right now, I'm barely even functioning.
Recon1342 said:In reply to Stampie :
I feel like dogE36 M3.
I didn't sleep worth a crap. Haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.
I really, really want to be angry, but the only one to be pissed off at is me. She's been growing emotionally distant, and instead of fighting to find out how to help, I gave her space.
Apparently, the thing that works for me doesn't work for other people.
I feel like such a berkeleying idiot right now.
I appreciate the check up, though.
It sounds like you at least are self reflecting. The problem now is how to channel that frustration into something that moves you in a positive direction.
I'm no marriage expert, but you got a lot of folks here pulling for you. And I'm pullin' for you too however it works out. Be kind to yourself, you're only human.
First off, I am truly sorry...
Second off, this may seem like the end of your world at the moment, but I can assure you its NOT. You are in the initial stages of grief, and that monumental weight you feel is reality setting in. It will dissipate, and you will see clearly again soon, and I PROMISE you that it will get better.
Right now, you need a healthy routine. Go to work, eat, drink water, walk for as long as you can muster. Hours if needed. And just keep doing it. Self-sabotage, negative self-talk, blame, and self-loathing will only drive you further away from reality. Go easy on yourself. It always takes 2 to tango, and statistically speaking, you're simply now in the majority in that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Add in your active duty Military service, and that number skyrockets to 70+%.
It sucks, and you're gonna have lots of bad days ahead, but you'll come out of it stronger and with a better sense of self. In the meantime, lean on friends, family, us, and again, healthy habits.
It doesn't sound like you have been served papers yet.
Go for a walk and answer the question, What do I want? Do I want this to dissolve or do I want to fight to make it work? (walking outside with grass and trees is proven to improve well being)
Then, if you are both physically able, ask her to go for a 20 minute walk in the woods or a park. And your only job on this walk is to answer the next question, Is she willing to fight to keep it together?
If she is willing to fight, schedule more walks. Start defining terms. And don't use the words never and always. Find a mentor or counselor who will listen but not take sides.
If she isn't willing to fight, find good legal counsel and good emotional counsel. This is not the time to console with an old drinking buddy.
As for defining terms:
Define love. We use one word but the Greeks had four. Eros, Storge, Philia, and Agape. When you have fallen out of love, you have lost eros, which is really just attraction (erotic).
Define cherish. If you had standard wedding vows you promised to love and cherish. But most people don't know what it is or how to do it.
Define success. Your definition of a successful life and her definition of a successful life may be wildly different.
Define your vision of the future together. It is a lot harder to reach your destination without knowing where you are going. Have a target you can both drive to.
Irreconcilable differences are only possible when people aren't willing to bend enough. Sometimes it actually is more important to not comprimise. Sometimes it isn't.
Recon1342 said:In reply to brandonsmash :
We've struggled off and on for years, and our first decade of marriage consisted of me being an active duty Marine, deploying to Iraq three times, and training for deployments when I wasn't overseas.
I think she is just tired of fighting for us.
I'm not sure I blame her.
I'm not the boy she dated in HS, and Iraq carries a lot of blame for that.
I feel like I am fighting for us as well, but it seems we are simply in different places emotionally.
Brother, I don't know what you are saying in your home, but this 100% feels like something you should be saying to her and potentially a trained therapist and/or couples counselor.
Its hard when both people in a couple get entrenched in a frame of mind, but you can get out of it. Takes a hell of a lot of work from both sides, though. You've both got to want it
Recon1342 said:In reply to Stampie :
I feel like dogE36 M3.
I didn't sleep worth a crap. Haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.
I really, really want to be angry, but the only one to be pissed off at is me. She's been growing emotionally distant, and instead of fighting to find out how to help, I gave her space.
Apparently, the thing that works for me doesn't work for other people.
I feel like such a berkeleying idiot right now.
I appreciate the check up, though.
Stampie's right about the self reflection, its a good trait to have and gives hope that the relationship might be salvagable. Too many men and women don't have that ability.
You've identified a major problem with the relationship. Think about how it might be fixed, then go and talk to her and find out how she would like to fix it (if she does.) Work it out between the two of you.
Also, then you need to share your feelings with her. If you're frustrated about something, tell her. If she's frustrated, listen. Withdrawing doesn't help anything, there's no growth potential in it.
Sidenote: one of the biggest game changers for me when she started to complain about something was learning to ask if she just wanted to vent or if she wanted to problem solve
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