I am in a bad place tonight.

I wish you were closer to northeast PA as I have enough projects in the shop to keep you busy playing around to keep your mind off the outside world for weeks or months!!!

In reply to lotusseven7 (Forum Supporter) :

If I was closer to NE PA I'd take you up on it!

RX Reven' said:

I'm a stats guy and I thought the study was relevant so I shared it.

...

To the best of my understanding, females rate far fewer males as attractive than males rate females as attractive...there's an infinite number of reasons why that might be. 

And that's why sharing the study is NOT relevant to this conversation. Even if we assume the results are true, we don't know WHY they are what they are. Everyone is just guessing and claiming the reason they're making up supports their worldview. It does nothing to help Recon see himself through the situation he is in.

Recon1342 said:

In reply to lotusseven7 (Forum Supporter) :

If I was closer to NE PA I'd take you up on it!

You know we could start a gofundme to fly you around the country helping GRMers with their projects.  The projectee provides a couch and somewhat square meals.

In reply to Stampie :

I don't have that much PTO available, LoL.

Went to a model train show with my buddies today and had a grand time. 
 

next weekend is a trip to Salt Lake City to go hiking and get sushi with a friend. 
 

I think I'm starting to come out of the funk and making my way toward "functional adult".

If you have the time and no plans for dinner one night, may I suggest trying out Rodizio Brazilian Steak House . We were in SLC years ago and found this restaurant by accident. We had never been to a Brazilian Steak House before, but had such an amazing meal that we went back a second time for dinner before flying out. Just a suggestion.

lotusseven7 (Forum Supporter) said:

If you have the time and no plans for dinner one night, may I suggest trying out Rodizio Brazilian Steak House . We were in SLC years ago and found this restaurant by accident. We had never been to a Brazilian Steak House before, but had such an amazing meal that we went back a second time for dinner before flying out. Just a suggestion.

I went to one in Milwaukee, the exact same chain actually, and it was fantastic.

Also sign up for their newsletter too, I went on my birthday and got a free meal, a 50 percent off coupon and another 50 percent off that I couldn't use and gave to a person at the airport.

Highly recommended 

Recon1342 said:

Went to a model train show with my buddies today and had a grand time. 
 

next weekend is a trip to Salt Lake City to go hiking and get sushi with a friend. 
 

I think I'm starting to come out of the funk and making my way toward "functional adult".

Great!  One step at a time.  I hate to say it but I promise you there will be days ahead where you feel like you did a week ago.  However they will pass and you hopefully will have an easier time coping with it as you're starting to see there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Recon1342 said:

I think I'm starting to come out of the funk and making my way toward "functional adult".

Excellent. Keep putting some more Wins up on the board.

Just be aware that your mood is not going to improve in a straight line. It's going to keep oscillating between high and low waves. Just keep watching for the average line to keep going up.

And keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Recon1342 said:

I am doing the best I can to avoid getting angry. Some days it's easier than others. 

Remember that it's okay to feel your feelings. You don't need to wad them up and stuff them away, or treat yourself as deficient because you have feelings.

But avoid directing them at other people.

It's okay to just be Angry or Sad. You're dealing with a lot. But decouple that from being "angry AT" or "[person] makes me sad."

You'll probably notice times when you just not doing anything, and suddenly you'll get hit with a wave of emotion out of nowhere. Let it come. Cry for "no reason". Put on angry music and scream it out. Surf out the waves instead of trying to hold back the tide.

In reply to lotusseven7 (Forum Supporter) :

I've been. Excellent place to eat.

Beer Baron 🍺 said:

RX Reven' said:

I'm a stats guy and I thought the study was relevant so I shared it.

...

To the best of my understanding, females rate far fewer males as attractive than males rate females as attractive...there's an infinite number of reasons why that might be. 

And that's why sharing the study is NOT relevant to this conversation. Even if we assume the results are true, we don't know WHY they are what they are. Everyone is just guessing and claiming the reason they're making up supports their worldview. It does nothing to help Recon see himself through the situation he is in.

Under what is believed to be uniform conditions, 50% of engines blow up when using race gas type "A" and 80% of engines blow up when using race gas type "B".

Since we currently don't know why, there's no value in being aware of that.

Edit...

I'm in the middle of a divorce myself, I didn't see it coming, and as the great philosopher Kenny Rogers famously said "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille".

I supported her for thirty years and nine weeks after retiring "BANG" she served me with divorce papers...I get what you're saying, I'm hurtin' too but math is math.

In reply to Recon1342 :

It's not exactly close, but compared to PA...

I've got a buddy up in Sandpoint who would be able to put you to work in a great environment if you want to take a weekend away. Clearing land around his cabin and doing workouts. All the "Sandpoint" style activities you may want also. 

I spoke with the Lawyer yesterday morning; paperwork should be ready to sign by the end of the week.

Yesterday afternoon was kinda rough. None of my local friends have checked on me in a few days; I realize everyone is busy and I try to understand, but I also get frustrated because it feels like everyone assumes I'll be fine. 

Thankfully, I'm doing some decorative iron work for one of the families from church, so I was able to lose myself in fabricating for a few hours. 

Today is another day. We shall see what it brings...

In reply to Recon1342 :

One of the things I hated about my divorce was the games lawyers play.  The main game in divorce is lawyers assume that whoever files for divorce wants it bad.  The other attorney then tries to drag things out as long as possible to gain concessions.  Be aware of that in case you start getting frustrated.  In my case I'm a stubborn SOB that didn't cave in.  Also watch what they do and what they bill for.  I found a few cases where my attorney defied my instructions in order to bill more.

I am very strongly anti-lawyer unless it's utterly necessary.

Don't be shy to reach out to your friends.  On a surface level they may understand what you're going through, they just don't fully realize.  Nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I could use someone to talk to"

A comedian friend of mine used to say this about lawyers:

"I lost half of my stuff in a divorce.  Not my divorce, my neighbors.  Her lawyer was *that* good!"

Everybody hates lawyers. Until they need one. 

Then they want the best damn lawyer they can get. 

In reply to Stampie :

We are filing uncontested. We've agreed upon everything in the presence of an attorney, and are simply waiting for the paperwork. 

I don't see how people can handle the years-long process like my sister-in-law is dealing with. 

The problem with lawyers is that they tend to represent their clients.

In reply to Recon1342 :

Cool we're hoping for the best.

Recon1342 said:

In reply to Stampie :

I feel like dogE36 M3. 
 

I didn't sleep worth a crap. Haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. 
 

I really, really want to be angry, but the only one to be pissed off at is me. She's been growing emotionally distant, and instead of fighting to find out how to help, I gave her space.
 

Apparently, the thing that works for me doesn't work for other people. 

I feel like such a berkeleying idiot right now. 

I appreciate the check up, though. 
 

Hey, I'm late to this thread but going through this exact same thing myself and learned of my wife's plans to file for divorce about 1.5 weeks ago. I understand the feeling of it being an absolute gut punch. I had also seen that distance grow and I gave her space instead of realizing what was happening and while this felt like a rug pull to me, she has felt differently for a very long time and I am also upset with myself for not figuring it out sooner. 

I haven't read the entire thread but plenty of good advice here. Here's the three things that have helped me find at least moments of peace:

1) Working on myself. Even though it may truly be too late for her it's for myself, my relationships with others, eventual coparenting, and whatever the next chapter of my life holds. I've been throwing myself into therapy, learning about people and behavioral patterns, began working out more, and paying more attention to how I communicate (both directly and indirectly) 

2) Building a support network. I didn't realize how codependent I was. I relied on her for friendship, support in tough times, our social circle...everything. It was difficult as I'm a private person but I reached out to old friends and family explaining the situation and have been surprised by how much it has helped. I plan to (finally) build a network of my own.

3) Distraction. I've been depressed and not in the mood to pursue hobbies but forcing myself to get out into the garage, even if just to stare at projects and think about something else for once seems to help. I impulse bought a PS5 and that has sort of helped turn off my brain at times, like late at night when I can't sleep. 

While I don't know your situation or what you're going through there may be some parallels. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.
 

Recon1342 said:

In reply to Stampie :

We are filing uncontested. We've agreed upon everything in the presence of an attorney, and are simply waiting for the paperwork. 

 

I don't see how people can handle the years-long process like my sister-in-law is dealing with. 

I'm with you on not dragging it out. That said, it's been less than a month between "I'm in a bad place tonight" and "paperwork should be ready to sign by the end of the week."

Not saying yall are wrong or that this isn't right. Just chiming in that it feels awful quick from the outside looking in. 

In reply to DILYSI Dave :

My spouse is the one that has been driving this. She is adamant in her refusal to even consider reconciliation, which really sucks.

It is also a blessing, because I no longer have to devote mental energy to wondering if I am doing things in what she considers the right way. I have the time and opportunity now to be "John" instead of "Cassandra's husband".

I can focus on myself, fix the problems I know I have, and devote myself to being a good dad.

There is a lot of dirty laundry I have not aired in this thread, and I never will. Just know that looking back I see a lot of issues with MrsRecon that I was blind to while in the relationship.